Letters to No One - 1

Dear you,

I know you mean well. I know you have my best interest at heart and I also know you believe 37 is firmly in adulthood whatever this blog might say.

I am not refusing to grow up anymore. I am also not defiant because I want to make everyone around me miserable. Maybe my ideas sound a lot better on paper. Fuck it, it is not maybe. My ideas indeed sound a lot better on paper and they are absolutely brilliant in my head.

Until motherhood threw a curve ball at me. You see, my ideas about motherhood and raising a family kept evolving as my kids grew; as i grew up against my better judgement. But at the crux of it, the essence is the same as all mothers - I wanted to raise beautiful, kind human beings who will not only leave this world in a better place but also make it better while they are still in it. How do I teach them that if I won't try to change the status quo of what a mom should be?

When I went through those crazy 10 months of pregnancy, and then the labour and finally held the baby, I really thought I was free. Free to raise the darn kid however i please as long as I did not screw it up bad; so bad that Manson looked like an angel. Then I was stupid enough to do the same thing again and bring another kid into this mix, even before I had a blueprint in hand for the first.

Every time you say "Suck it up and do it, all of us moms are doing it", my heart breaks. Because you see, I am telling my child, just because everyone else is doing it doesn't make it right.  I know swimming against the current is tiring, especially for someone like me who barely knows any swimming. Yet i do it. Every. Single. Day.

Not to be antagonistic but because that is who I really am.

I don't like the status quo.

Will i change the definition of motherhood? No.

Will my child turn out wonderful? Maybe

Would i have made a difference in their life? Yes.

As long as I believe I can effect a change even for a day, I will continue to do it.

lost in daydreams,

A disgruntled mom.